I'd worked so hard to prepare for the day that was coming...In one month I would graduate with my PhD, get married, move to Richmond, and start a new job. It was something coming over the horizon that was so gigantic that you saw it for miles before you ever got to it. I'd thought about it for at least a year and begun to make plans accordingly.
I was putting the final touches on my dissertation and preparing for my defense. We took trips to Richmond and scoped out apartments to live in. I applied to three dozen different jobs looking for something in Richmond that I might enjoy doing. We were planning the wedding and all the details associated with that. Planning, planning, planning. Preparing, preparing, preparing.
But at some point something changed. My efforts to be responsible and diligent became my efforts to "plan out" anything that had the potential of being difficult. I'd busied myself with planning so I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that I was afraid of all the change that was about to happen. None of the change was bad but if was going to be difficult to acclimate to nonetheless.
God broke through my busyness to confront me with my fear and tell me it was okay to be that way. I wrote down in my journal what I heard from God at that time: "You run and run and run because you're greatest fear is true. Graduating, getting married, getting a job, moving to Richmond, everything else is going to be hard. It's going to be difficult no matter how much you prepare. And I'm not going to let you sidestep this one... I can bring chaos to your order."
Idols come in many forms, they are whatever you've chosen to worship instead of God. Our idols are worthless because they are not as worthy of our worship as God is. And for me at that time (and I'm sure many others) my idol, what I chose to worship instead of God, were my own plans and my preparations - my attempts to control an unknown future that I was afraid of. Sometimes we find that our plans are safer than faith. Why trust God when I can just control everything and take care of it myself?
But our best attempts to control our own future can't compare with God's ability to guide our lives. But that's definitely a step of faith because God's plans aren't at all predictable, comfortable, or safe. What we think we want is predictability, comfort, and safety but standing on the other side of that kind of life I'm reasonably sure I'd be pretty disappointed with living such a boring life.
Long story short, "the month" came and went. All of our preparations really helped us get started in Richmond but, as God predicted, it was (and still is) hard. I'm pretty sure that the unknown will never be comfortable for me but knowing that God's active in what's happening in my life is exciting and comforting in its own way.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9
2 comments :
How sweet that is.
You know what, I struggle with this constantly. Maybe more now than before. I can't truthfully say that it is wrong to attempt to prepare. I'm sure God wants others to not see a complete mess in the 'preparation' of the lives of Christians. But there is a line. And it is kinda scary to think about. Like you said how God brings in chaos to somewhat break you...your planning, arranging, and control of life. When I think back on memories...the most awesome ones...I usually was in some sort of state that I didn't know what was going to happen. I lost all control. Some look back and call these 'adventures'. But during these times, I'm pretty sure I wasn't all that pumped up about it. As a matter of fact, I wanted comfort, protection, and isolation really bad. I make the best analysis of these situations by saying that God is good. Because I don't think I would ever jump into these situations willingly...I still don't think I would.
-Colbey
Psalm 37:23-24
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